Testimonials | The Mindful Mandate

"I know that I’m still married because of Coach Mike."

"For over 10 years, my wife and I refused to speak completely openly and truthfully to one another, for fear of the other’s reaction. We didn’t know how to express our harbored resentments towards one another, so we chose to bury them. Yet, no matter the endless amount of dirt we shoveled over those resentments, there they lingered, just below the surface.

The truth is that what was shoveled over them wasn’t dirt, but gasoline. And so, the smallest misunderstanding, the slightest tone of annoyance or tension, served the role of a lit match. At our worst point, every single argument or harsh word, without a single exception, turned into month-long silent treatments with the only form of communication being divorce negotiations conducted through cold, businesslike text messages. "

"Coach Mike was our absolute last grasp at what seemed to be nonexistent hope.

So far, I’m sure this review reads like a cheesy, overdramatic teenage drama novel. But that’s only because I have no other way to describe it. It really was that bad. It was God-awful. We were honest about 24 hours from the divorce court. But before that meeting with the judge, we made an appointment with Coach Mike and saw him for, if I remember correctly, 3 consecutive days of two-hour zoom sessions each day."

"It was one of the most painful and difficult experiences of my life.

Ripping the Band-Aid off and working through every single resentment, item by item for each of us was absolutely brutal. But Mike was there every step of the way. And he barely made any declarations or gave any directions. Very rarely did he say things like “Here’s what you need to due…A, B, and C.” He really doesn’t work that way."

"His method is very Socratic,

in that he asks questions, allowing your answers to lead to other questions, which lead to more answers, which lead to more questions until you have basically told yourself what you need to do, answered your own questions as to why your partner is acting and reacting the way he or she is and reacting, and, perhaps most importantly, why you are acting and reacting the way you have been acting and reacting. And that is so effective because he allows you to figure yourself and your partner out. And that’s not to say he doesn’t referee. He certainly does and there’s no way to truthfully state the value of that.

I say that because of this: how many times have you wanted to say something to your partner, but decided not to bother because you knew you couldn’t get a word in edgewise, or you DID decide to bother, and guess what: you couldn’t get a word in edgewise? And then it just becomes a shouting match with simultaneous yelling and interruptions, until one of you storms in one direction, the other storms in the other direction, and then there are two doors being slammed from the opposite side of the house, and for however long the moment in time is, you go from being a married couple to roommates who sleep alone and hardly know each other, right?

Coach Mike will NOT let that happen."

"If he has to sternly intervene, he will sternly intervene, and remind you as convincingly as he needs to that HE is the one running these sessions, NOT you, and NOT your partner.

But as stern, as he sometimes gets, it’s always expressed through obvious love and respect. And although he may act as a fatherly figure when he needs to, he never makes you feel like children. He uplifts you, right during the time when you’re convinced that you couldn’t possibly be uplifted, and reminds you (or perhaps convinces you all over again) that you ARE an adult, and that you are strong enough and capable enough to be who you are and to take back control over your own life."

"After every session, we felt a little more empowered, a little more in control, a little more hopeful

that we would stay together and that, although we had become convinced that love wasn’t enough, we were slowly coming around to rediscovering the notion that it actually was and still is.
And I understand my wife so much more now. And I think she understands me as well. And we know how to talk, we know how to disagree. We know how to be angry or upset or annoyed with one another without crossing the line."

"We know how to work it out.

That’s not to say that we're perfect at it, because we certainly are not. Mistakes have still been made, and still will be made. But the shovels are working in reverse now. The resentments have been dug back up and vanquished, the gasoline has been wiped away, and although the occasional match still gets lit, we have become so much better at blowing it out.

And while we still have Mike as our marital counselor, we have also focused on the individual counseling he offers and has used him separately and will continue to do so. In my case, I can’t stand my job right now. It completely saps my energy, heightens my anxiety and depression, and leaves me exhausted at the end of each day with no real thirst or zest for life. I’m figuring out more and more each day about how to rectify that situation. And once again, it’s not from Mike telling me what I need to do, but asking me, and then guiding me, sometimes gently, sometimes sternly and directly, but always lovingly and respectfully, through the right variety of questions, until I come up with my own answer.

One of the many things I love so much about Coach Mike is that he actually makes me feel like the solution was MY idea! Ha! Ha! But then again, maybe it actually was. Regardless, I know wouldn’t be driving anywhere near that answer if he wasn’t sitting in the passenger seat, navigating me towards it, baby step by baby step."

Reviews